The Mixtape of Midoriya & Toga
by Tell-Tale Toga
Summary: A series of sad songs put to the tragic love story between Izuku Midoriya and Himiko Toga.
1. Track 1 - Stay With Me

**The song used in this chapter is **Stay with Me by Sam Smith

* * *

_**Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one night stand...**_

The sun spills into my room through a small open slit in the blinds and catches my eyes. Usually I have range of a full to roll onto and escape. This morning is different and I know that before I even open my eyes. I can feel her warmth next to me.

Many details of the night before are fuzzy and unclear, but I know exactly who is breathing softly in my bed, beneath the covers. She is the only one who I've ever shared such an experience with... and that in itself is such a fucked up truth. But it's my truth... and it's become a part of me.

**_But I still need love cause I'm just a man..._**

I'm so weak, I think as my body sits up. My arms stretch over my head and resist the urge to reach for her. They cannot, however, hold back from pulling the blanket down ever so slightly from her face so I can get a look.

As always, I have to catch my breath at the sight of her stunning features. She looks so peaceful like this. It's a side of her that I wish the rest of the world could see. There's so much more to her than that villain persona they think they know.

_**These nights never seem to go to plan...**_

This wasn't supposed to happen. Never. Ever, ever. If word got out, it'd be over for both of us. She could claim to a covert plan, that she's been manipulating and investigating me. I could say she used her transforming quirk to trick me.

Except none of that is true. We just... fell into this together. She was hurt. Not from a fight. Emotionally. She was sobbing when I found her. Real tears running down her face. And true hero tries his best to save everyone... right?

I only meant to talk her off the ledge. I only wanted to preserve her life. It wasn't my intention to develop these feelings, but... my choice on the matter vanished when she thanked me for her life... when she kissed me that very first time.

**_I don't want you to leave would you hold my hand?_**

From the moment I embraced her. That first moment I felt her heartbeat against mine. That was it for me and at first I was terrified... but then I looked into her eyes and I knew that was it for her, too. She was just as completely swept up by this unexpected rush as I was.

Now, after what was only meant to be a one-time experience we shared, she's back in my bed and I can't bring myself to wake her up. As desperately as I'd like to hear her voice and look up those sunshine eyes... if I wake her up, the day begins and I'm just not ready to return to a world where it's my job to catch her and hand her over to the authorities so that she can pay for the terrible things she's done.

They just don't get it. They don't understand what this sweet, tortured soul has been through. And it kills me to have to send her back into that unkind world she and I live in.

_**Oh won't you**_

_**Stay with me**_

_**Cause you're**_

_**All I need**_

My will to hold back from touching her stands on its last leg before crumbling entirely. I reach for the side of her little head, my fair-haired beauty. My fingers thread through her bright and shiny strands. I love seeing her hair down and loose this way, showing off just how long it is, giving her the aesthetic of a western princess.

My chest swells as I look upon her and study the face I already have so perfectly memorized. Her features so soft and angelic in this state while she slumbers. She is absolutely breathtaking and yet she's more harmless than ever. It rattles my soul and inspires me to work harder at being the best hero.

It's not out of the ordinary that an infamous villain would inspire a hero to do their best, but this is different. It's not justice I hunger for. It's not her incarceration I strive for. It's her safety. Her smile. Her life. God, all I want is to keep her alive.

_**This ain't love**_

_**It's clear to see**_

_**But darlin'**_

_**Stay with me**_

She begins to stir. Damn it. I guess this moment couldn't last forever. The day has to begin and we each have people to answer to, orders to follow. Her eyes start to flutter open and before they can, I lean down to catch her lips with mine. Stealing a kiss, the way she stole my heart.

I know this is wrong. I know the consequences if we're found out are monumentous. I know there is absolutely no possible way we'll be able to keep this up. I know this. I know we were doomed from the beginning. I know all of this. I know that these feelings manifesting for her are completely one sided. And yet...

* * *

**_Why am I so emotional?_**

His lips press to mine and my heart starts racing before I can even open my eyes. Responding immediately, I deepen the kiss, slipping my hand through his green locks, settling at the back of his head, gently pulling him closer. Our bodies skin to skin. The best. Oh, I love this. I love him.

I love the way he kisses me. I can't help but giggle softly into his kisses some times. He loves me. And I love it. I love our love. Isn't it just the richest, purest, most endearing love there ever was?

My smile touches each ear as he pulls back and our eyes meet and that's when the bliss of waking up next to him ends. I can read his expression loud and clear. It reminds me that nothing about this... nothing about us is real.

_**No it's not a good look, gain some self control...**_

Or at least... nothing about us can last. No matter how bright I smile, no matter how many tears I let fall. This is never going to end well and we both know it. And some times we willfully let that slip our minds. We let ourselves forget. We let go of that knowledge of our inescapable demise, our premature and unwanted end.

Today is not one of those times. It's already festering in his mind, I can't see it. Oh, I wish I could pick apart his brain. I could stab the pain away. I could make it all go away.

No. No! No, not him. I can't bring myself to hurt him even if it would help. Even if it would be so... beautiful... No! Stop it. He's alive and that's what he needs to be. He's better with his blood inside. So protect him. Protect this.

**_Deep down I know this never works_**

As I read his cues, I take his hand and give his scarred knuckles a little kiss before getting out of bed to dress for the day. I rise from the comfortable mattress and stand with my back to him, silently snatching my clothes from the floor.

There on the wall before me is one of his many obnoxious All-Might posters. His hero. His idol. Who he so desperately longs to succeed.

And who am I but a villain? I suppose without me and the others like me there would be no need for him or others like him. I tell myself that, giving myself purpose, giving the impulsions I have justification, excuses for not switching sides.

**_But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt_**

His arms take me by surprise as I had apparently lost myself in thought. God he's so strong and he feels so good wrapped around me this way. I'm so safe here. Can we just stay here. Oh please can't we just stay here?

Hold me forever, Izuku. Don't worry, I won't hurt you. I'll protect you if you protect me. Just ask me to stay with you and I will. I will, I promise. Just ask. Ask me to stay right here in this room, in the warmth of your embrace. Tell me that's what you want.

**_Oh won't you_**

**_Stay with me_**

**_Cause you're_**

**_All I need_**

He doesn't. His lips smack a firm and sweet kiss to my cheek as he gives one last squeeze before he pulls away. I watch as he returns to getting dressed. He's walking away not knowing how much I need him. His steps take him across the room to his closet and I can't bring myself to call him back.

He's my oxygen. Oh god, I can't breathe. I can't breathe without him. I'm drowning and he's my hero. But... but, but he can't save me if he doesn't know. If I don't tell him, how can he know that I need him as much as I do.

"Hey," his ever-patient voice sends a chill throughout my body. It's warm and it tingles my toes. My gaze finds his. "Gotta get goin'." He says politely reminding me that no, I can't stay. That no, I can't hope for him to feel the way that I do.

It hurts. It's infuriating and it pisses me off so much. It hurts! I wish I could hurt him the way he hurts me... that is until he blesses me with that glorious, kind-hearted smile of his.

It's enough. It's just enough to pull me back. Back into this beautiful, unpredictable mess we're in. I return that smile to the best of my ability and follow suit, getting dressed.

**_This ain't love_**

**_It's clear to see_**

**_But darlin'_**

**_Stay with me_**

I know this is wrong. I know the consequences if we're found out are monumentous. I know there is absolutely no possible way we'll be able to keep this up. I know this. I know we were doomed from the beginning. I know all of this. I know that these feelings manifesting for him are completely one sided. And yet...

_**Oh won't you stay with me**_

_**Cause you're all I need**_

_**This ain't love it's clear to see**_

_**But darlin' stay with me**_


	2. Track 2 - In Case You Don't Live Forever

**The song used in this chapter is **In Case You Don't Live Forever by Ben Platt.

* * *

_**You put all your faith in my dreams**_

_**You gave me the world that I wanted**_

_**What did I do to deserve you?**_

Our bodies cease to move together in that perfect rhythm of erotic passion and we begin to come down from the waves of ecstasy. I collapse upon her, rising and falling with each breath she takes. My ear conveniently rests against her heart and I can heart it's erratic pace. I can't imagine mine sounds much different.

Just over three months have passed since we first gave ourselves to each other and in the time since, I have grown so familiar with the mind, body, and soul of Himiko Toga. Even though we get no where near the amount of time I'd like and a great deal of the time we do get is more physical than anything else... it feels so right, so real.

When I lift my head, I find she's already looking at me. There's something deep within those bright eyes. She longs for something, I can tell, something that she cannot bring herself to say out loud.

Whatever it is. I hope she knows I'd move heaven and earth for her. I hope she knows how much I feel indebted to her. I never imagined someone could care for me this way and I'll be forever grateful to her for showing me such devotion.

* * *

_**I follow your steps with my feet**_

_**I walk on the road that you started**_

_**I need you to know that I heard you, every word**_

God, Izuku. How are you so beautiful? We just made love and when you look at me the way that you are right now... I just want to feel you inside me forever. You have no idea how deep into my soul you've reached.

My boyfriend. My wonderful, incredible boyfriend. He makes me want to be better. A better girlfriend. A better lover. A better person in general. He makes me want to change.

As I've learned more about him I just want to keep getting to know him better.

We avoid certain subjects carefully. Words like heroes and villains and good and evil are not permitted. Unspoken rules that give us opportunity to explore each other's hopes and deepest secrets.

* * *

_**I've waited way too long to say**_

_**Everything you mean to me**_

My body slides off of hers, settling beside her, my head nestled in her bosom. Her hand rakes idly through my hair as her other hand traces the scars on my shoulder with her fingertips. I sigh so content, ready to pass out.

If she's so evil, how could I be lulled to sleep by her soft breathing? How could I find the serenity, the calm to find rest in her presence? I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to. If she was the deranged killer she's made out to be by the media, I'd be dead.

How do I tell her she's so much more than a knife-wielding psychopath? What words do I use to spark a light within her?Could I change her mind about heroes? Could I tell her she's mine?

* * *

_**In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now**_

_**I love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around**_

Oh, I love when he gets like this. Obviously I appreciate being held. I get so much out of feeling safe and protected when our positions are reversed to the more traditional embrace.

But there's something about this. There's something so empowering about holding the man I love this way. He's trusting me in ways no one ever has. He's giving me so much control. I can watch over him. I can protect him. I can cut him up. I can kill him.

No! No, I don't want to kill him, damn it. I love him. I... Oh, god. I... love him. I love him and I can never claim it. I can never say it to him.

My bottom lip begins to tremble and my chest tightens. Tears well up in my eyes but I do my best to keep them from falling. I hold in the sobs and they all but strangle me as the words I long to say get stuck in my throat.

* * *

_**In case you don't live forever, let me tell you the truth**_

_**I'm everything that I am because of you**_

Maybe it's the way her body grows tense or perhaps it's the broken sob she's not quick enough to stifle. Either way, my attention is drawn away from drifting off and all I can see is my angel doing her level best not to cry.

Words fail me as I panic and reach out to comfort her. I should probably as why she's crying, but it doesn't seem necessary. Of course, she's crying. She's risking everything to be here with me... and am I even worth it?

I gather her pretty little head in my arms and pulls her close, hushing her, doing my best to soothe her sadness. I wish I could tell her. It breaks my heart that I can't tell her all that she has done for me... why this is so worth it... so irreplaceable and important. All I do is scatter kisses across her face, hoping my feelings are translated well enough through my affection.

* * *

_**I've carried this song in my mind**_

_**Listen, it's echoing in me**_

_**But I haven't helped you to hear it**_

So many things race through my mind as he cradles my head. I'm scrambling to give a reason for my outburst, but minutes pass and he doesn't require an explanation. He doesn't ask. All he does is hold me... and really, that's all I need.

But there are so many ways to tell him and he deserves to know someone feels this deeply for him. He deserves to feel appreciated, adored... loved. If I could just find the right way to express these feelings without putting unnecessary pressure on him. There has to be a way to maybe just hint at it and let him fill in the blanks. There has to be a way to tell him without spelling it all out.

I cling to his arms, which still embrace my head. My face nuzzles his chest and I take a deep, shaky inhale. I can do this.

* * *

_**We've only got so much time**_

_**I'm pretty sure it would kill me**_

_**If you didn't know the pieces of me are pieces of you**_

She can't be comfortable trapped in my arms like she is, but I can't bring myself to let go of her. That's funny. Our relationship is the same way. I can't hold her any tighter, can't bring her in any close, but neither can I let her go. Even the thought of her slipping away just to arms length is painful.

Fear stills my tongue as I nearly find the courage to tell her. We can't waste time shedding tears and hiding out true feelings. This love, these sweet moments between us are fleeting and we can't afford to waste them. I know. I know but... what if she rejects me?

What if she laughs in my face or gets angry? Or worse, what if she is kind and compassionate but just doesn't return my love? Do I even want her to? Because in this moment, I know I would die for her without a second thought... and I really don't want her willing to die for my sake.

* * *

_**I've waited way too long to say**_

_**Everything you mean to me**_

"Hey," my voice is muffled and frail against his chest.

He releases my a little, just enough so that I have room to look up at him. My heart feels as if it could burst as our eyes meet. His gaze, so soft and ever so kind pierces through me.

Silently, he waits for whatever it is I'm trying to say. I don't even know. I hesitate, biting my lip as I think of all the reasons why I should keep the truth to myself.

No... No, I have to say it. Come on, Toga. Tell him. Say it. Just say it!

* * *

_**In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now**_

_**I love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around**_

Oh, sweetheart. You look so afraid. Whatever it is you want to say, whatever is making you cry, I'll understand. I'll be here. I'll always be here and I'll always understand. There's nothing you can say that could push me away.

Those are words I wish would make their way out of my throat, but I just remain silent. I hold her. I don't take my eyes off her. Something else slips out.

"I love you."

* * *

_**In case you don't live forever, let me tell you the truth**_

_**I'm everything that I am because of you**_

"I love you."

We say it together. At the same time. In the same cadence. With the same energy and gentle, but desperate breath.

I imagine we're mirror images of each other as his wide-eyed, shocked expression matches exactly how I feel. Tears fill my eyes as I watch his do the same.

We love each other. H... How is this possible? How could everything come together so flawlessly? How has just knowing Izuku Midoriya changed my life so much?

* * *

_**I have a hero whenever I need one**_

_**I just look up to you and I see one**_

_**I'm a man 'cause you taught me to be one**_

The only other time I've felt so much at once, overwhelmed by a mix of relief, elation and hope was when All-Might first told me that I could become a hero. I've had years to get my emotional side a little more under control since then... but that doesn't stop me from weeping into my beloved's hair.

So... we love each other. I don't just love her. I'm not alone. She actually loves me and it's the most wonderful feeling. No matter what it takes, I have to protect her. I have to fight for her. I have to fight for this.

Tears are still streaking down my face as I bring her lips to mine and pour all my love into another kiss. And somehow as she kisses me back this one feels different. I feel stronger. I feel braver. I feel like nothing can touch me. And it's all because of her.


	3. Track 3 - Skinny Love

**The song used in this chapter is **Skinny Love by Birdy (cover)

* * *

**_Come on skinny love just last the year_**

**_Pour a little salt we were never here_**

**_My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my_**

**_Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer_**

This was bound to happen eventually. In truth, I can't believe it's taken this long. As I stand beside me fellow heroes, some of whom are my oldest and dearest friends, I look ahead at our enemy. Among them is a face so familiar. A face I cherish. The face of my sweet angel. She's here. She's armed and she's willing to kill for what she believes. Meanwhile, I stand on the opposite side of her fight.

We both knew this day would come, even if we never talked about it... and now that we're standing here, facing this inevitable dilemma, I feel like such an idiot for avoiding the subject. We should have discussed a plan. An escape route. Something.

How can I fight alongside my colleagues? How do I take down the threat to our peace? How do I do these things and keep her safe at the same time?

_**I tell my love to wreck it all**_

_**Cut out all the ropes and let me fall**_

_**My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my**_

_**Right in the moment this order's tall**_

There's no time to think. The first blow is swung and suddenly, it's chaos. I dodge one attack after another, my attention divided between surviving the fight and making sure she does, too.

Of course, I don't worry so much that anyone of these pros would take a life unprovoked. She may provoke. And honestly even if she isn't killed, locking a free spirit like hers up is the same as killing her.

_**I told you to be patient**_

_**I told you to be fine**_

_**I told you to be balanced**_

_**I told you to be kind**_

I see her see me and only for a fraction of a second do I see a glimmer of the girl I love. She's in full survival mode. Her expression is an unsettling frenzy of bloodlust.

My heart can't help but sink. Of course I knew this side of her. This is the version of her that I first met after all. But... does this mean that everything we shared a lie? Was it all a joke to her? Was I a joke? Is this who she truly is?

As I watch her attack my friends without holding back even a little, I feel every fiber of my being try to reject what it's seeing. I don't want her to kill. I don't want her to harm. Why must she do this? Why can't I stop her? Why can't I be enough?

_**In the morning I'll be with you**_

_**But it will be a different "kind"**_

_**I'll be holding all the tickets**_

_**And you'll be owning all the fines**_

I've made so many mistakes. My mind can't focus as I try staying of the defense of the villains attacking me, giving it they're all. I wasn't prepared for this. I can't. I can't focus.

My legs stumbled and are knocked out from under me. From a distance I hear Red Riot scream my name. There's a distinct twinge of fear in his voice and that cry is echoed in the voices of Iida and Uraraka.

I'm so distracted. My reaction time is shot. Whoever has their eye set on me as a target must be close. This must be checkmate. But the ache in my chest is so overwhelming that I can't be bothered to so much as brace myself for whatever impact is coming.

It never does come though. There's no pain, anyway. Upon the moment of impact, I feel nothing. I go completely numb and watch as darkness swiftly begins to encompass my vision. The very last thing I see is my sweet love's face casting a look of concern down at me.

There she is. I smile despite losing consciousness. There she is. That's the girl I fell in love with.

* * *

_**Come on skinny love what happened here**_

_**Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere**_

_**My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my**_

_**Sullen load is full; so slow on the split**_

My attack works like a charm and he drops to the ground, losing consciousness. I struck him hard. Really, really hard to the back of the head. Before his eyes slip completely shut, I reach him and manage to catch the very last glint of light in them.

This is risky. I know. If I just stand here over his body without inflicting at least some damage, it's going to be obvious to everyone that I'm actually guarding him. So come on heroes! Get your asses in gear! Aren't you supposed to be Izuku's friends? Aren't you supposed to help each other?

Where is Uravity? Where is Red Riot? Or the mind-controlling guy or the one that sends tremors through the ground? Where is the icy-hit hero? What the actual FUCK, heroes?

_**I told you to be patient**_

_**I told you to be fine**_

_**I told you to be balanced**_

_**I told you to be kind**_

From a distance I see Dabi give me a look. He's confused. Maybe even a little concerned as to why I have a completely immobile hero at my feet... and in not doing anything to end his life. He yells my name and all his voice is layered with all the frustration and curiosity that's creeping on him.

I'm out of time. I look down at Izuku. The fight rages on around us and still no one has come to his aid. I can't risk anyone learning the truth. There's no escaping this. I have to attack. I have to.

_**Now all your love is wasted?**_

_**Then who the hell was I?**_

_**Now I'm breaking at the bridges**_

_**And at the end of all your lines**_

I raise my blade slowly, my hand shaking, cursing your stupid, weak friends. Fucking useless. Selfish. Idiots. As my blade comes down and I bury it deep in your chest, in a spot I'm sure you'll live.

Oh, god. Izuku. Please forgive me. Please. Fuck! Please, don't hate me for this.

My mind is screaming as I pull the knife out and see his blood. To play the part convincing as possible, but also to buy time, I drag my tongue across the red-soaked knife. His blood is everything I expected. Sweet just like him. The sweetest I've ever tasted.

There's no pain in his face and that helps me feel less guilty. But the pangs of regret still swell as I lick the knife clean and I have to hold up appearances by stabbing him again. I raise my knife again, fighting back tears so hard my chest is shaking.

I hear screaming again as my arm begins to fall a second time. Only I realize, this time, the screaming isn't in my head. It's not even me. And just before the knife can piece my boyfriend's body again, a strong, fierce grip takes hold of my wrist.

_**Who will love you?**_

_**Who will fight?**_

_**Who will fall far behind?**_

"You're not going to touch him again, you psycho bitch!"

Those words are all I hear before I'm launched away from Izuku's body. Uravity activates her quirk and allows me to gain an uncomfortable amount of height before releasing me.

I've never seen her eyes flare like that. I've never heard her voice growl in such a way or hit that high of volume. I've never heard of her delivering near fatal blows, but when I land, if it weren't for Twice catching me - or more... breaking my fall, I know I would have died.

The shock of dearly dying, the pain of most definitely breaking my leg, the ongoing battle around me, the order to retreat... none of it fazes me. I'm just relieved. I know this is the end for us. For Izuku and I... and it's a comfort to know, it's all I can think about... that, thank god, someone else does love him.

_**Come on skinny love**_

_**My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my**_


	4. Track 4 - Say Something

**The song used in this chapter is **Say Something by A Great Big World.

* * *

_**Say something, I'm giving up on you**_

_**I'll be the one, if you want me to**_

When I wake up and they tell me that I was attacked, knocked out cold, then stabbed while I was unconscious, it's not exactly a story that's all that hard to believe. What I can't wrap my head around, the detail that kills me, the part that I have a difficult time reacting correctly to, is the fact that my assailant was Himiko Toga. Several other pros were eyewitnesses and confirmed it.

My physical wounds don't hold a candle to this terrible, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's like nausea, but it's more emotionally charged than physical. Dread is a good word. I've been dreading what the future holds because now I have to go back to facing it alone.

I'm not even angry. I just feel... empty more than anything. Heartbroken. After everything I poured into our relationship, a thing I cared for so dearly all that effort has backfired, just blown up directly in my face.

The worst part is, there's no one I can tell. One of the greatest losses of my life and I can't even grieve. And I know for a fact that I won't be getting any closure. She's gone.

It's been five days since the fight and I woke up yesterday. My has blown up with concerned texts and well wishes, but not a peep from her. And of course that's the case. Of course I'm not going to hear from her again and even if our paths do cross again... what we had... it's over.

_**Anywhere, I would've followed you**_

_**Say something, I'm giving up on you**_

The door of my recovery room opens and like a god-send Ochako walks in. If anyone in this unkind world can cheer me up, it's her. A weary smile touches my face with just a hint of hope as I open my mouth to greet her... but before I can make a sound, I notice something. Something is off.

Her posture and the way she moves. The sullen expression she's wearing. The way mouth twists at the corner as she bites her lip nervously. This isn't Ochako standing in front of me.

"It's you... isn't it?" I ask and she just nods.

Despite the conclusion I just came to. Despite that cut and dry resolve. Now that she's here... even in disguise, I can't suppress my need to let her know I'm still hers. I can't stop my heart from longing to hold her again. She's so close.

Please, just talk to me angel. Open your mouth and tell me this was all some sick joke. Tell me you love me. Please. I need you to say something.

But when she does... her voice is colder than I'd like and she keeps her distance. She looks at me with Ochako's honey-brown eyes and she says, "This has to be over between us, Izuku. You know that, right?"

_**And I am feeling so small**_

The idiot that I am, the Deku that doesn't know when to quit, I ask in a broken voice, knowing full well the hundreds of answers, "Why?"

She cocks an eyebrow. An expression so unique to her that I don't even see Ochako anymore. "Why did I do it?"

I shake my head, "Why does this have to be over?"

_**It was over my head**_

_**I know nothing at all**_

"Izuku," there's exasperation and sympathy in her voice as she approaches me, a limp in her step. "Izuku, they... they told you what happened, didn't they? That you're in here because I-"

"I don't care." I cut her off tearfully. "Himiko, I know you had reasons for hurting me and I know they weren't malicious. I know that you love me."

She won't look at me. "Izuku, I..."

"I need to hear it, baby. Just... please say it. Tell me you love me and we can move past this. We can make this go away."

_**And I will stumble and fall**_

My wounds aren't fully healed, but before she can do anything about, I'm on my feet. I just need to touch her. I'm connected to so many wires, but I don't care. My balance is lost and I'm going to hit the floor but before I do, she comes to my rescue. She catches me.

Our arms find their way around each other and I sob. I cry uncontrollably into her hair, begging her in whispers between I love yous, not to do this, not to go. We weren't ready this time. We won't make that mistake again.

I open my eyes. We're still wrapped in this desperate embrace, clinging to each other. She's still silent. I inhale deeply, a shaken breath and catch the scent of her hair... no... this isn't her hair. Suddenly my mind puts a few more pieces together and I feel like throwing up.

_**I'm still learning to love**_

_**Just starting to crawl**_

"Where is Ochako?" I ask. Unable to disguise this cold feeling creepy up on me as I recall what it takes for her transformative quirk to activate. "What have you done?"

* * *

_**Say something, I'm giving up on you**_

_**I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you**_

No, please don't bring her up yet. This isn't... I wanted... you were supposed to let me talk, Izuku. There's so much I need to say and you're just not letting me.

I can't say I love you anymore. I can't give you any reasons to want to stay. We're killing each other, baby. We are going to end up killing each other and there's just no way around that.

Maybe if I had moved faster, thought quicker, just been stronger and smarter. Maybe I could have saved us, but I didn't reach you in time and now...

_**Anywhere, I would've followed you**_

_**Say something, I'm giving up on you**_

"Tell me where she is!" You scream at me and I can actually see your patience wilting. I see it in the way your face is hardening, I heard it in the way you just spoke to me.

You're done aren't you? You're fighting it, struggling desperately to hold onto what we had, but you've already let go, you've already washed your hands of me... And maybe that's for the best. Maybe it's better we part on terms that make you hate me.

So I smile, but it's not the one I always saved for you. "Who knows." I lie. "Probably lying in a random gutter bleeding out. I just cut her up and took what I needed." It's a tall tale, but one I know he's bound to believe... and he does. "I needed to see you."

_**And I will swallow my pride**_

_**You're the one that I love**_

_**And I'm saying goodbye**_

He makes this noise, a sort of grunt, a growl almost, as his hands shove me away. It's layered with anger, despair, frustration, remorse. His eyes flare and one works think that one act of pushing me away was real strenuous work as the pace of his breathing has rapidly increased.

"Get out," his trembling voice tells me and there's so much fucking pain behind those two simple words. I want so desperately to reach out and fix this, to soothe my sweet lover and make him smile again, make him trust me. "I said get out!" He screams this time, tears actively rolling down his freckled cheeks.

I didn't get to say anything I wanted to. There's so much I didn't get to tell him. This didn't go at all how I had imagined... but then that follows suit with everything else and this relationship... or whatever it was.

My legs lift me from the floor where we collapsed in our final embrace. At least I got to see you smile one last time. I turn around, listening to the sounds of you crying your heart out and it takes everything in me to keep walking. But I do... and I don't look back.

There's just... this tiny, this desperately small plea inside. It's so infinitesimal that I'm only vaguely away of it. This wish. This hope... that you'll call me back. That you'll see through my lies and know your friend is fine, uncomfortably tied up and hidden, but fine. And I'm still... I always was... I always will be...

No. Shut up. It's over. The door shuts behind me and it's time to move. It's over.

_**Say something, I'm giving up on you...**_


	5. Track 5 - The Night We Met

**The song used in this chapter is** The Night We Met by Lord Huron

* * *

_**I am not the only traveler**_

_**Who has not repaid his debt**_

It's been three weeks since the last time I saw her. In that time, Uraraka was found. She was nowhere near as damaged as I expected... as Himiko led me to believe. Uraraka had no memory of the attack, but I guess that's just as well.

Not long after that, my sweetest friend, maybe my best friend gathered up her courage and approached me with feelings she's evidently been carrying for a long time. There was no reason I could see to reject her... so I didn't. When she leaned in to kiss me, I was a flustered mess as one would probably expect, but I didn't pull away.

Our lips connected. Her mouth opened and I felt her tongue. It was nice. I opened mine and let her in. Her kiss felt so different from the ones I learned on. But it was so nice. She was so warm and gentle and her touch was so loving and purposeful.

A smile crept onto my lips as we pulled apart. It faded when I saw her face. A look of concern was not one I had anticipated. I asked her what I did. Why she was looking at me like that.

"Y... you didn't kiss me back," her fragile voice spoke so softly, but hit me like a ton of bricks.

Didn't I? I still don't know, but I attempted to reason, to rationalize. She smiled optimistically and kissed me again and it was nice... until we pulled away again and that same lost and hurt look was staring back at me.

"Deku..." she started quietly, "do you... love someone else?"

_**I've been searching for a trail to follow again**_

In my head, I cursed my pathetic heart. I told myself not to even think about Himiko, but... hey Reader, don't think about a purple elephant.

See what I mean?

I wanted to say no. I wanted to scoop her in my arms and kiss her with everything in me. Prove to her and myself that I wasn't tied to such a hopeless dream, that I could move on.

Except... I didn't. I didn't move and I didn't answer. I didn't have to. It shouldn't surprise me that Uraraka can read me by now. She may not know all the details, but I guess she figured out enough to know I'm just not ready to love her.

Her hand cupped my face and her eyes, though welling with tears, were so understanding and full of compassion. It broke my heart. I had to offer something.

All I could say was, "Someday... maybe..." and I brought my hand up to rest on hers, still holding my face.

She nodded sweetly and forced her best smile before excusing herself. That was a week ago. I haven't seen or heard from Uraraka since.

Now I'm tossing and turning and the memory of all my mistakes. I've made so many mistakes. Why couldn't I just accept Uraraka's affection? Why couldn't I save Himiko?

I did once. In a way. Why couldn't I save the rest of her? Why wasn't I strong enough?

**_Take me back to the night we met_**

_"Don't do it," Midoriya called out, his arm stretched out and held there. It wasn't dressed in his hero costume, he was just Midoriya, but that didn't stop him doing everything he could to save someone in need._

_The girl on the ledge sobbed loudly. "Go away!"_

_Of course, that wasn't an option. He took a step closer. "Please, just... give me- just give me your hand and let's talk about this." He paused, taking a breath as he inched closer. "Please, you haven't done anything that deserves this."_

_With the wind in her loose hair, the girl looked over her shoulder and immediately the two young adults recognized each other. Surprise lit both their faces and a touch of fear colored his._

_She smirked. "Haven't I, Deku?"_

_**I had all and then most of you**_

_**Some and now none of you**_

My body lies on its side, clinging to a body pillow that I purchased recently. It helps a little... some times. Helps me pretend she's still here. Not tonight. Tonight nothing helps.

My shoulders shake and my eyes squeeze shut as I do my very best not to cry over this. My chest feels like something inside is breaking down, literally failing. I thought I knew what a broken heart felt like... but this pain is so much more physical than I thought.

It crosses my mind that I'm supposed to be stronger than this. I'm not supposed to lie awake crying over something as insignificant as my personal relationships with women. That's not very heroic.

But then nothing I've done recently has warranted me the right to myself a hero. Not since I thought it'd be a good idea to fall madly in love with a villain.

_**Take me back to the night we met**_

_Midoriya froze and when he did Toga scoffed, rolling her eyes like she expected him to react this way. "Just give me another minute. I'm tryin' to do your job for you."_

_Snapping out of his stunned and fearful daze, Midoriya shook his head fast and took another, more cautious step forward. "Toga, you're wrong..." he said gently. "You're completely wrong." He repeated, surprising her with the wavering in his voice. "If you mean... it's my job to kill you... that isn't true at all."_

_He reached her at last, still holding his hand out for her to take at any moment. Her eyes glanced down at him, then darted forward again, looking over the city's night skyline._

_"You're such a naive and gullible idiot," she hissed. "For all you know this could be a trap." She shot another quick glance at him._

_Midoriya nodded softly to agree, "Yeah, it could be." He paused. "But it's not... and I'm not going anywhere until I'm sure you're safe."_

_**I don't know what I'm supposed to do**_

_**Haunted by the ghost of you**_

The way that she looked at me then. She looked so... shook, so taken aback by the fact that a hero - no, that anyone - would want to save her. But I did... I do. I do And I've failed.

Now I'm left with nothing but memories of the happiest I ever was and I have to bottle them up. In time I'll probably begin to wonder what was real and what wasn't because I have no one to share or discuss these memories with. All I can do is pretend.

Pretend it never happened. Pretend I'm fine. Pretend this doesn't hurt. Pretend my lack of sleep is from overworking. Pretend Himiko Toga does not have still have my heart nor haunts my dreams.

But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep pretending. I need to see her again. I need to see her again. I need...

'I need to see you again.'

Message sent.

_**Oh, take me back to the night we met**_

_Their eyes met once more as his words startled her. "You don't mean that," her face twisted in pain as what he said sunk in. "You don't care what happens to me. Did you forget I'm a villain?"_

_This soft, sweet, short laugh escaped Midoriya's throat and he shook his head again. "Of course I didn't forget. I know who you are, Toga. We've had our share of run-ins with each other." He took a breath then went on. "But that doesn't change the fact that I want to save you... along with anyone else who needs help... I want to save you."_

_**When the night was full of terrors**_

_**And your eyes were filled with tears**_

My head is spinning as I stare at the message I just sent. A minute passes. Then another five. Then ten. Before I know if I sent my plea forty-five minutes ago.

I hate this. How long is this feeling going to last? I can't imagine even death is worse than this. My heart feels like it's going to explode. Just waiting... waiting... waiting... for what? What am I even waiting for?

It's not like we can go back. It's not like we can start at the beginning again. So what am I hoping for...?

_**When you had not touched me yet**_

_**Oh, take me back to the night we met**_

_"Please, Toga," his voice gained a firmer edge of desperation as he reached for ger with more intent than before. "Please, don't do this. Let... Let me save you."_

_There was such a sense of genuine concern, a gleam of such deep and intense earnesty. The words coming out of his mouth were absolutely true and they were spoken with such fervor that even the voices in Toga's head couldn't convince her otherwise._

_In fact a new voice sprang out of the darkness within her. It was clear as bell and so bright. "Trust him," it said._

_So she did._

_**I had all and then most of you**_

_**Some and now none of you**_

It's been an hour and the sun is beginning to rise. She hasn't responded. I should have known better. What we had was great, one of those once in a lifetime, whirlwind romances... but it's... it's over and I have to accept that.

It's over, Deku. It's over. Maybe she loved you at one time, but that's over. You're done. You failed. You couldn't... you couldn't save her.

These thoughts tear at me and plague my mind when all of a sudden... my phone chimes with a notification of a new message.

_**Take me back to the night we met**_

_Her hand precariously moved to accept his and the instant he recognized this to be true, Midoriya took a firm hold on hers. Without thinking his actions all the way through, he more or less yanked her oof the ledge in a hopeful panic, causing her to fall into his arms._

_Their chests collided and his hand did not let go of hers as they stood there, face to face. Midoriya embraced her with a choked sob, "Thank you." He squeaked into her shoulder, relief flooding through him._

_Toga remained motionless, still trying to comprehend the idea that someone cared. When he pulled back the two of them searched deep within each other's gaze for what came next. Neither one of them was prepared when the answer presented itself. Neither one of them could say for sure who moved in first. But before the hero or the villain could think twice about it, their lips connected and they both melted into each other's kiss._

_**I don't know what I'm supposed to do**_

_**Haunted by the ghost of you**_

My hands shake as I drag my thumb across the screen and open my messages. I whisper pleads and small prayers. "Please be her. Please be her. Please be her."

Message received.

'Tomorrow. After sunset. Where you stopped me from jumping."

_**Take me back to the night we met**_


	6. Track 6 - Who Knew

**The song used in this chapter is **Who Knew by Pink.

* * *

_**You took my hand, You showed me how**_

_**You promised me you'd be around**_

_**Uh huh, That's right**_

If I could bury my knife into my brain and carve out these memories, I would. They do nothing more than fill me with endless regret and self-loathing. There is no one I hate or blame more than myself, but some animosity for Izuku also dwells within me.

He said so many things throughout our time together. He made so many promises. He built up my hopes so high. Just to let it all come crumbling down.

Yes, I was the one in control. Yes, he begged for another try. Yes, I ended things and purposefully tried to make him hate me so he'd be somewhat safer at least in this situation.

Except... I didn't want the control. I didn't want him to stop pushing. I didn't want him to let me end it all. I wanted him to fight for me, to fight for us. I wanted him willing to face the world together.

Because I was. I was ready. Had he just asked, I'd be Izuku Midoriya's ride or die. If stand by him forever. I'd fight for him. Bleed for him. Die for him. Kill for him. As it turned out, that notion of mine was unrequited.

_**I took your words and I believed**_

_**In everything you said to me**_

_**Yeah huh, That's right**_

I was such a stupid fool. Why did I think he meant everything he said. The sweetest words always came out after we fucked and I should have known better. We were both riding a high and he probably never even lied on purpose. He wanted forever as much as he claimed to.

I successfully manage to keep these tears to myself. No one has seemed to notice how off my game I've been ever since that last fight. No one has questioned my actions either. That's a relief. I don't know how much I'd be able to keep secret anymore.

After all, I already feel like death. What difference would it make if the others found out at this point? What's the worst that could happen?

_**If someone said three years from now**_

_**You'd be long gone**_

_**I'd stand up and punch them out**_

_**'Cause they're all wrong**_

My heart races as a plunge my blade into our most recent captive. He's some crooked politician who used his platform to spread lies about people like me and Twice and Shigaraki. Bald-faced lies. Not even general 'they're pure evil' ones. His last interview he suggested Dabi was an irredeemable psychopath from birth who killed his whole family before falling in with the League of Villains. And heh, we all know THAT'S not true.

The problem is... as I stand here, slashing him to pieces, tearing at his flesh, tasting his blood... I feel like I'm playing a part. This used to be what I was good at. And sure maybe the questionable morality of it had me nearly throwing myself off a ledge, but... I still knew I was good at it.

What am I supposed to hold onto now? Before Izuku, I had my killer instincts. While he was in my life, I had something to fight for. Now... I've lost everything and I have no idea what I'm even doing anymore.

_**I know better**_

_**'Cause you said forever and ever**_

_**Who knew**_

My wrist flicks forward and I cut the fun short, knicking my prisoner's artery. The noises he makes as his lifeblood drains from his throat used to be so satisfying. As I clean the blood off my knife, I'm only partially listening.

I'm too caught up in my own sadness, my own regrets. I'm lost in the memories. The good ones. The best ones.

_**Remember when we were such fools**_

_**And so convinced and just too cool**_

_**Oh no, No no**_

God, I miss him and it's the littlest things I miss the most. The stupid, insignificant things are what bring me closer to losing all conposure. The big moments hurt but not like this.

Our first I love you is nothing compared to all those times he'd giggle against my ear before planting a kiss on the side of my head. The first time we were intimate has nothing on the way my heart sped up every single time his voice said my name.

We fell so fast and so hard. Which wasn't new for me... but he told me himself, he'd never been in love before. Our relationship saw his first everything. I was his first everything. We both loved that. I took so much pride in that.

_**I wish I could touch you again**_

_**I wish I could still call you friend**_

_**I'd give anything**_

It felt so good to be treasured and now it hurts to be discarded... even if it was my choice. Even if I did force his hand by lying so he'd break up with me... I still hate him some times.

I hate that he believed me. I hate that he didn't love me enough to see through my lies. I hate that he obviously has no regrets. I haven't heard from him at all since that day at the hospital. So I guess it's not HIM I hate... it's the loss of everything he gave me.

My heart is miserable and my hands ache as long as I can't reach for him. Knowing he's out there... and maybe in someone else's arms... I wonder if it would be easier if I killed him. Is that what I should do?

_**When someone said count your blessings now**_

_**'Fore they're long gone**_

_**I guess I just didn't know how**_

_**I was all wrong**_

_**They knew better**_

_**Still you said forever and ever**_

_**Who knew**_

Maybe that's it. Maybe that's the answer. My mind races with different ways I could do it.

I think of wrapping my hands around his neck, squeezing, watching him gasp for air, his face turning a beautiful shade of blueish purple. I think of the soft choking noises that would float out from his throat. Waves of excitement and electricity shoot through me as the scenario shifts to a bloodier one.

It'd be something like before, when I stabbed him... But this time I'd allow myself to enjoy it and I'd do it with him wide awake. So I could watch every little twitch and wince and jerk in his face and body as I tear him to pieces.

Maybe I could even carve out his heart. I let out this primal, wanting moan as the thought warms me up. My hand travels down my body, under my skirt, touching myself at the thought. The thought of making love one last time, covered in each other's blood. Ohh or maybe I could grab him by the hair and cut off his head just as he finishes eating me out.

Ooohh god... It doesn't take much to get me off with these images in mind. I cry out his name in this cold dark room, next to the corpse I just made. Yes... Yes... YES, this is the right answer. This is what I have to do.

_**I'll keep you locked in my head**_

_**Until we meet again**_

_**And I won't forget you my friend**_

_**What happened**_

No... No! No! No! No! No! No! I scream and scream and I can't stop. I thrash about the darkness, needing to hurt something. Needing to relieve this urge elsewhere.

My fist tightens around the knife still in my hand and I just lose control, stabbing the dead man. I know he's gone. I know he can't feel anything... but this blood spilling onto my hands and staining my clothes and face is better than the blood I'm craving to see again... taste again.

I can't tell if I'm crying or laughing at this point. I've lost complete control in my madness. I have to let it flow out. I have to direct it somewhere other than him. I have to protect him from my bloodlust and hurt feelings.

_**If someone said three years from now**_

_**You'd be long gone**_

_**I'd stand up and punch them out**_

_**'Cause they're all wrong**_

He's gone. He hurt me and I hurt him. And it's nobody's fault. I can't blame him. It's this fucker's fault. People like who the mutilated body before me used to be. It's their fault I can't be with Izuku. So my hand keeps thrashing and carving and slicing long after there's nothing left.

Tears and blood mix together on my face, but I can't wipe anything away because my fingers are just as drenched in blood and pieces of flesh and bit of organs. I'm a mess and catching my breath as I collapse back against the wall.

I close my eyes and let a fresh stream of tears run down, cleansing a single line of the red on my face. I hang my head and choke out the most pathetic sob. "Izuku..."

_**That last kiss I'll cherish**_

_**Until we meet again**_

_**And time makes it harder**_

_**I wish I could remember**_

_**But I keep your memory**_

_**You visit me in my sleep**_

My phone buzzes and my chest tightens when I look at it. Can you even say, 'speak of the devil' if that person dominates the majority of your thoughts throughout the day?

'I need to see you again.'

Six words is all it takes to level me. Everything in me tells me to delete the message and just let things naturally take their course. We'll most likely inevitably end up on the same battlefield again.

Except I can't resist him. I never could. That's how we got here. My finger smears blood across the screen but still manages to get the response written out.

'Tomorrow. After sunset. Where you stopped me from jumping.'

I hit send and wait. The thought crosses my mind that this could be a trap. I don't wait long before he sends another message

'I'll be there.'

And another.

''I love you, Himiko.'

I read those words but I don't reply. My head feels clearer, my heart lighter. I don't even care if it's a trap. If they put me away, he'll be safe. If he takes me back, he'll be safe. We'll be more careful. We'll try again. Try harder.

It's going to work. It's going to be okay.

**_My darling Who knew My darling My darling_**

**_Who knew My darling I miss you My darling_**

**_Who knew Who knew_**


	7. Track 7 - The Scientist

**The song used in this chapter is **The Scientist by Coldplay.

* * *

_**Come up to meet you**_

_**Tell you I'm sorry**_

_**You don't know how lovely you are**_

The sun has started to set. It's time to go and meet Izuku. I don't know what's going to happen exactly, but I'm certain that for one reason or another... this will be the last time. The last time we speak... we see each other... we hold each other. No, I don't intend to kill him. That isn't the plan... but you never know.

There are so many sweeter things I hope to say and honestly it's far more likely that he's set this up to catch me. I've made my peace with that. Before I left, I made sure to hug everyone and say goodbye... 'Cause you know, you never know.

* * *

_**I had to find you**_

_**Tell you I need you**_

_**Tell you I set you apart**_

My chest aches with each breath as my heart and feet race to the building downtown, the building I found Himiko ready to jump from. It's an odd place to come back to, but I can appreciate the sentiment. If we go back to the beginning maybe we can start all over.

I'll do it right this time. I'm going to let her know that no matter what happens, she has my heart forever. I'm never going to love anyone like I love her. She did what she had to do to protect both of us. I get that now and I'm so sorry it took me this long.

* * *

_**Tell me your secrets**_

_**And ask me your questions**_

_**Oh let's go back to the start**_

I can see the building in the distance, but I've got a ways to go yet. The sky is so dark already. I hope he doesn't get there too soon, give up and leave. There are so many things I need to tell him.

The hairs on the back of my neck stand and I'm drawn to look over my shoulder. When I do, there's nothing suspicious. Nothing stands out. So I keep moving forward. Practicing under my breath what I'll say to him.

* * *

**_Running in circles,_**

**_coming up tails_**

**_Heads on a science apart_**

Oh, god, I can't stop smiling. I know there's a chance this won't end the way I want it to, but just the hope that it could has me grinning like a fool. My cheeks hurt and I don't care. I'm feeling the best that I have in weeks. Things are going to change today I can feel it.

We were inexperienced before. We thought we knew the risks but we didn't. This time we'll know better. We can avoid the pitfalls we subjected ourselves to last time. I know we can. I know we are strong enough. I have so much faith in her. In what we had. This is going to work.

* * *

_**Nobody said it was easy**_

_**It's such a shame for us to part**_

_**Nobody said it was easy**_

_**No one ever said it would be this hard**_

_**Oh take me back to the start**_

This is going to be a disaster. I'm almost there and I feel my lust for blood and violence overwhelming all other wants and desires. I fight them away as best I can. I want to be better. I need to be better if I'm going to be with him.

Why? Why am I like this? Why was I born with this deadly quirk? Why can't I change? Why can't I control these terrible urges?

* * *

_**I was just guessing at numbers and figures**_

_**Pulling your puzzles apart**_

I gasp and whirl around when I swear I heard someone, but no one of consequence is behind me. My legs keep still a moment as my eyes scan around for some trace of familiarity. There's nothing and I breathe a sigh of relief.

The very last thing I need is Himiko thinking that I set this up to trap her. All I want is to save her. She deserves to be heard out, helped out, healed. She's not a villain. She's not. The hand and quirk life dealt her were unfair and I'm going to see to it that she makes it out of this hell she was born into.

I make it to the roof and I'm alone. My heart refuses to sink. She'll be here. I just have to wait. My hand reaches into my pocket and I pull out my phone to text her.

'I'm here. Take your time. I'll be waiting.'

* * *

**Questions of science, science and progress**

**Do not speak as loud as my heart**

As I reach the building's entrance, my phone buzzes from my bra. I hope it isn't the League. I can't do anymore orders. My heart leaps when I see that it is from Izuku. A smile creeps onto my face and my gaze lifts to look upon the top of the building where I know he is.

After so much time apart, he's just a moment away and I can feel my heart swell with anticipation. I can't even feel my bloodlust anymore. How does he do this to me? How the hell does he evoke so much good?

Quickly, I look down at my phone and type a hasty reply.

* * *

_**Tell me you love me**_

_**Come back and haunt me**_

_**Oh and I rush to the start**_

'At the door now. See you in a minute.'

Reading those words has my stomach doing backflips. I've never been more ready and less prepared for anything in my life. It's never been like sleeping with a ghost since she's been gone. I'm ready to feel her warmth again. I'm ready for this nightmare to be over.

Thing is... I haven't quite perfected the way I want to tell her everything. A few times I've thought I had it down pat. Only I don't know where to start. How do you tell someone that they are the most important thing in the world to you? That you're ready to spend your entire like with them?

* * *

_**Running in circles, chasing our tails**_

_**Coming back as we are**_

I open the door and begin the long walk up the staircase. Every other floor I stop because I... I thought I heard another set of steps. Every time I stop, the echo of steps does too.

Finally I reach the last few steps and my hand rests on the door handle that leads out to the roof. My heart will not be still. I take a breath and open push the door open.

* * *

**_Nobody said it was easy_**

**_Oh it's such a shame for us to part_**

**_Nobody said it was easy_**

**_No one ever said it would be so hard_**

There she is. There she is! I can't contain my joy as I look upon her for the first time in ages. Once again, my body moves without thinking. My arms beyond ready to hold her once more. My lips form her name, but the sound doesn't come out. My legs abruptly stop. My eyes widen with dread.

From the deepest depths of my core a scream tears out of my throat. "Himiko, move!"

She does. My heart sinks at last. She just barely dodges a tremendous burst of Shoto's flame attack. Damn it. God fucking damn it.

_**I'm going back to the start**_


	8. Track 8 - Your Guardian Angel

**The song used in this chapter is **Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

* * *

_**When I see your smile**_

_**Tears run down my face**_

_**I can't replace**_

_**And now that I'm strong I have figured out**_

_**How this world turns cold**_

_**And it breaks through my soul and I know**_

_**I'll find deep inside me**_

_**I can be the one**_

Everything happens so fast. I had no idea Shoto followed me here. I have no idea why and by the way Himiko is clinging to me from behind, I'm overwhelmed with relief that she appears to understand that. My body acts as a shield between her and anymore attacks from my dear friend. He'd never attack me.

"What are you doing here? " I shout with an edge of frustration that I can see startles him.

Shoto, my friend, the current number three hero, freezes in place. "Uraraka was worried about you. She asked me t-"

Before he can answer, his quick reflexes move him out of the way as yet another burst of flames engulf the roof. They are not his though. They're blue and when he jumps out of the way and the flames clear, I see the villain Dabi standing in the doorway of the roof's exit.

Himiko gasps behind me and I feel her grip on me tighten. "I didn't-"

"I know," I reassure her with my words, then a quick glance at her with a soft expression, I say it again. "I know."

_**I will never let you fall**_

_**I'll stand up with you forever**_

_**I'll be there for you through it all**_

_**Even if saving you sends me to heaven**_

_**It's okay It's okay It's okay**_

"Toga, what are you doing? Why are you standing there? Attack him!" Dabi growls as he dodges a sheet of Shoto's ice.

The two of them are currently enough of a distraction to keep Himiko and I safe for the moment. I remain in front of her. God, this isn't what I wanted at all from tonight, but I can't let myself despair. I can't let my disappointment let me slip.

Right now only one thing matters. Keeping my eyes on the fight in front my me I reach behind and touch her. Hopefully, reassuring her. I don't feel it's enough so I say, "It's going to be alright. I'll protect you no matter what, Himiko." I swear to her. "I won't let anything happen to you."

* * *

_**Seasons are changing and waves are crashing and**_

_**Stars are falling all for us**_

_**Days grow longer and nights grow shorter**_

_**I can show you I'll be the one**_

I cling to him. There's a brilliant scene of blue fire and ice raging just before us... our friends, doing what they think is right. They think they're protecting us and both Izuku and I are too afraid to speak up. What would we even say.

Shoto and Dabi both throw desperate, confused looks at us and pleas to attack each other, to bring each other down, but neither of us move. My body presses close to the back of his. I close my eyes and breathe him in. Memories rush back to so many happy times we shared.

Those memories give me strength. Enough to face the fight ahead of us. I squeeze his arm once before taking a stand, moving around him even though he tries to stop me.

"No, no, no, no! Don't do this!" I hear him beg.

I ignore him and cup my hands around my mouth and scream out at the top of my lungs. "Dabi, stop!"

_**I will never let you fall**_

_**I'll stand up with you forever**_

_**I'll be there for you through it all**_

_**Even if saving you sends me to heaven**_

The two fire quirked brothers come to a halt. Their eyes on me. Izuku clinging tight to my upper arm, standing beside and just behind me. This is it. I can do this.

"I don't want to hurt anyone else ever again." I declare firmly, but my voice begins to waver as I speak again. "I can't. I don't want to fight." I take a deep breath and let the words storm out like thunder over the city, "I love Izuku and I'm going to do whatever I can to prove it."

Even though my focus stays on the men ahead of me, I feel the one next to me react to these words. His hold on me tightens, his breath catches and he whispers my name. His tone tells me everything about the expression he's wearing. Gentle surprise and loving pride.

But rising anger and denial... or perhaps pure disbelief swells in front of us. My words were not enough. Oh god. They both throw their quirks at us, aiming for the one who has their friend. Fuck! I have to protect Izuku!

_**'Cause you're my**_

_**You're my, my**_

_**My true love**_

_**My whole heart**_

_**Please don't throw that away**_

_**'Cause I'm here for you**_

_**Please don't walk away and**_

_**Please tell me you'll stay**_

A trail of ice shoots for me from the ground, intending to lock me in place as a wall of blue flames swarms towards Izuku. I panic. I need to shield him. Move him. Do something! I love him! I can't lose him like this. Not like this! Not like-

My thoughts screech to a halt. I'm moving. I feel the heat nearly engulf me, but a painfully strong hand takes me by the wrist and hurls me aside. The breath is knocked out of me as I hit the side of the short concrete wall of the roof. I don't even have a second to groan in pain before I hear a sharp, excruciating scream of agony fill the night and echo into the distance.

The strength I have left snaps my head up to look upon what I pray I misheard. But there is no misunderstanding the gut-wrenching sight before me. My lungs fill deeply with cold air as I take it in. My eyes well with tears, but they don't fall... not until I scream his name in heartache.

"Izuku!"

* * *

**_Use me as you will_**

**_Pull my strings just for a thrill_**

**_And I know I'll be okay_**

**_Though my skies are turning grey_**

For a moment... just a moment, everything goes numb, everything goes dark. The sound of my name on Himiko's voice brings me back. It's so sad and that hurts, but if she's safe... I'm okay.

I open my eyes and even though I can't feel my legs, I'm standing up. It's the ice at my feet...and the one shard piercing th... the middle of my chest. Oh, no. I might...

"Midoriya!" Todoroki says my name in the same painful way Himiko just did. This is bad. He races to me and thaws the already wet and dripping ice. It must have strong to withstand Dabi's attack. "Oh my god, Midoriya, I'm so sorry!" His voice is so tight and tearful. It hurts.

The sound of my friend and girlfriend sad over me is surprisingly worse than the burns and the gaping wound in my chest. It's almost funny I crack a smile as Todoroki gently guides my body to the ground. Maybe I'm in shock. I didn't think dying would be this funny.

"It's okay," I tell him, but my voice is so much quieter than I intended. My vision starts to darken and a rush of panic fills my slowing heart. "Todoroki," I gasp and grab him tightly. "Where is she? I... is Himiko hurt? Please tell me she's alright. Tell me she's safe."

His silence hurts.

_**I will never let you fall**_

_**I'll stand up with you forever**_

_**I'll be there for you through it all**_

_**Even if saving you sends me to heaven**_


	9. Track 9 - I'll Follow You into the Dark

**The song used in this chapter is **I Will Follow You into the Dark by Deathcab for Cutie

* * *

_**Love of mine, someday you will die**_

_**But I'll be close behind and I'll follow you into the dark**_

It takes me so long to find the strength and wherewithal to move. Dabi approaches me as I struggle to stand, but through grit teeth I tell him to step away. To get the point firmly across, I pull my knife on him aggressively and glare at him. His expression shows more concern than anything else and with him out of the way I rush with a limp to Izuku.

When I reach his side, I drop to my knees. He's pale. He's so, so pale. On the other side of his body, Shoto Todoroki weeps. He looks at me like he's not sure whether or not to attack. I drop my knife next to us and throw my upper body to cry upon Izuku's. His chest is so still. I remember the way it used to rise and fall when we would lay together.

My soft cries don't hold a candle to the dismay building inside of me. The hopelessness. I look up at the two responsible for this and... if someone had asked, I would have thought I'd be seeing red. Except I don't. There's no anger. No violent urges for vengeance or blood.

I'm completely docile. I'm drained. I have absolutely nothing left. That's where my head is at... until...

* * *

**No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white**

**Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark**

With the last remnants of strength within me, I move my hand to rest over hers. I hear her gasp and then her trembling voice says my name. There's just enough feeling in my face to evoke the faintest trace of a smile. I have to smile. For her. For Todoroki. For All-Might's legacy.

Somehow, her sunshine eyes pierce through the darkness encompassing me and suddenly... I can see her. Suddenly... it's not so hard to show a smile All-Might would be proud of.

My damaged fingers wrap around her shakey hand as I try my best to speak. "Shoto," I'm so quiet but I can't do any better. I hear him acknowledge me though so without breaking eye contact with her, I tell him. "Please help her. Please... don't let... her get... hur...t."

* * *

_**If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied**_

_**And illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs**_

_**If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks**_

_**Then I'll follow you into the dark**_

No. Oh, god. He's really slipping away. For a second, I thought maybe... but, but the light in his eyes is fading. I've seen this so many times in the people whose lives I've ended.

I feel panic seizing me as I grab his arms and tearfully beg. "Izuku, you don't have to ask him to help me. You're going to! You're going to walk away from this and you're going to help me get better. You can't leave me yet. Please. Please don't leave me."

Tears drip from my eyes and fall on his nose, his freckled cheeks, his beautiful, sweet face even in this burnt and battered state. He's so beautiful. Oh, god, please don't take him from me. I can't do this without him. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.

* * *

_**In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule**_

_**I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black**_

"I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this." She whispers over and over again. I'm not even sure that she's aware she's doing it.

I feel her cradle my arm close to her, pressing my lifeless hand to her tear-stained cheek. She's rocking slightly, back and forth. Spiraling. I focus all my energy on gently moving my thumb to dry a small portion of her tears, but it's no use. I can't feel my hands or my arms now and even though I can't feel... it's starting to get cold.

"You can," I breathe, hoping desperately that she hears me. "You...'re s...so... so stro...ng..."

* * *

**_And I held my tongue as she told me,_**

**_Son, fear is the heart of love, so I never went back_**

"St... st.. stron... stronger than... me," he tells me.

I shake my head fast, placing a hand on his face, using the other to keep his hand pressed against my cheek. "I'm not," my voice cracks and I can't stop the tears from flowing. "See? You're laying here so hurt and you're still smiling and I can't stop crying."

* * *

**_If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied_**

**_And illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs_**

**_If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks_**

**_Then I'll follow you into the dark_**

It's too much. The void is closing in again and this time I can't fight it. My heart is barely beating now and I can't feel anything at all. I can hear Himiko, but she sounds so far away.

This is it. I can feel that this is the end. My time left here is a matter of minutes at most, more likely seconds. I'm starting to drift when I realize Todoroki never answered me.

"Shoto," I gasp with one last burst of energy and grasp the front of his shirt. "Pro...mise.. me."

"I promise, Midoriya." Just like Himiko, I hear his voice but it's like it's a great distance from me. I know he's right next to me. This really is the end.

* * *

_**You and me we've seen everything to see**_

_**From Bangkok to Calgary and the soles of your shoes**_

_**Are all worn down**_

His hold on Shoto Todoroki weakens and his body settles back onto the concrete. My chest is heaving with sobs. Such a contrast from the unsettling stillness of his. I shake him a little at the shoulders.

"Izuku?" I whimper. A painfully high but terribly quiet squeak rises from my tight throat. My lip trembles and I say it again, a little louder. "Izuku?"

"Himi..." his lips barely move and his sweetest green eyes slip shut. He makes a small noise and then he exhales, "...love you."

* * *

_**The time for sleep is now**_

_**But it's nothing to cry about**_

_**'Cause we'll hold each other soon in the blackest of rooms**_

I say it. With my final breath... I'm able to tell her how I feel. She knows. Shoto knows. I'm not afraid to let now... I can let go now.

* * *

_**If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied**_

_**And illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs**_

_**If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks**_

_**Then I'll follow you into the dark**_

Despite my vicious thrashing and shaking of his body. Izuku doesn't respond again. He doesn't speak or open his eyes or even move on his own. He's... He's dead. He's dead and I all but killed him. I led him here. All he wanted was to see me because he loved me and this... this is the price he paid for it?

Now he's going on alone? He's going on without me? He's leaving me behind? No. No! NO! No, I can't have that! I can't let that happen! I won't. I won't! I WON'T!

A blood curdling scream tears out of me as I reach for my knife and before either of the two men with me can do anything about it, I stab myself. I bury my knife deep into an artery and clip it. Blood immediately begins to drain out of me and it's beautiful.

I get lightheaded and fall back. It's so warm. I see Dabi. He's hazy. Oh, he's holding me. He's saying something. I can't make it out.

Hehe, it doesn't matter. I'll be there soon. I'm coming, Izuku. It's getting dark. Wait for me. I'll be right there. Izuku?

_**I'll follow you into the dark**_


	10. Track 10 - My Immortal

**The song used in this chapter is** My Immortal by Evanesence.

* * *

_**I'm so tired of being here**_

_**Suppressed by all my childish fears**_

_**And if you have to leave**_

_**I wish that you would just leave**_

Today we're allowed outside and those are my favorite days for visitors. The nurse's staff is always doubled, but that's alright. I get to feel the sun on my skin, the wind rustle my hair, and most importantly... I get to see him. He always comes to visit on outdoor visitation days.

As we're led out to the courtyard, however, I can't help but wonder if today's visit, like most visits, is going to begin with a fight. Not a physical one, mind you. It's just... I get so lonely here and when I see him I can't hold back lashing out a little. I understand why I'm here, I did and I'm grateful for all he's done, but... it's been two years and I just want a life with him... a real life.

My heart aches start the idea of dying in this place. It's nice enough and I've been treated better than I could have ever hoped to be. Dreams just can't come true when you're locked away and monitored 24/7 like this. All I want is to spend my days with the man I love. With my hero. Is that so much to ask?

I must have been lost very deep in thought because he appears out of nowhere, greeting me with a loving kiss on the side of my neck from behind. He always kisses my scar. With a start I whirl around to find my sweet-faced fiance holding yet another bouquet of flowers for me, wearing the brightest smile.

"Good morning, Himiko." His green eyes sparkle as he takes a step closer to plant a chaste kiss on my lips. "It's so good to see you."

* * *

_**'Cause your presence still lingers here**_

_**And it won't leave me alone**_

_**These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real**_

_**There's just too much that time cannot erase**_

_Izuku runs his rough, scarred hand through his sweetheart's fair hair gingerly and observes. "Wow, your hair is getting so long. It looks beautiful as always."_

_His girlfriend wants to be happy and grateful for his kind words, for him being there at all. She looks torn as her hand ever so lightly covers his as he continues stroking her hair. Still, her head nuzzles into his touch without realizing._

_"Can we leave today?" Is her first question of their day together as it always is._

_One would think after two years of the same thing, Izuku would be better prepared. Yet, like always he caught a little off guard. His warm expression grows a little bittersweet as he answers._

_"Soon, darling. Very soon. I promise." He affirms._

* * *

_**When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears**_

_**When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears**_

I try to hold back. There are others out here trying to enjoy this beautiful summer day with their loved ones. The frustration is just so overwhelming. He must see the tension building or at the very least be used to this routine by now because he embraces me so tight, burying my face in his shoulder.

"I love you, Himiko." He reminds me. "I love you and I won't stop fighting for you until I can take you home with me. I swear."

_**And I held your hand through all of these years**_

_**But you still have all of me**_

How can I find it in me to reject that? I don't know but my damaged brain manages to do so. There's a moment of stillness between us before I aggressively shove him away and hiss.

"You want me here don't you? Because it's safe. Because I can be watched all the time like a child." I cast a blame-ridden look at him. I want to stop. I know I'm being cruel, but I can't help it.

* * *

_**You used to captivate me by your resonating light**_

_**Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind**_

_**Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams**_

_**Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me**_

_His face falls. The joyful look that lit it moments ago has been extinguished. Staring at his feet, heart full of guilt, he takes a deep and tearful breath before precariously lifting his gaze up once more to meet his beloved's._

_"You know that's not true, Himiko." His voice cracks as tears train down the poor heros face. "You know how much I want you to get better." He goes on. "You know Todoroki and I are working tirelessly to provide you a safe world to return to when you get out."_

_"If I get out," his love coldly corrects._

_Her words strike him hard. A sharp pain stabs him in the chest, where Todoroki's ice quirk nearly finished him off. He clutches the front of his shirt in that spot as tears continue to flow from his emerald eyes._

_"I'm sorry," he squeaks then sniffs. "I'm doing my best. I'm doing everything I can." His gaze locks with hers. "Please, believe me."_

* * *

_**These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real**_

_**There's just too much that time cannot erase**_

More often than not, this is the moment where I back down, where I see the error of my ways. The sight of Izuku crying is just too much and yet I do this every time. I lash out, knowing exactly how to hurt... even though he doesn't deserve to be hurt. He's already suffered so much on my account. Why do I do this?

My walls come down as my resentment for being here melts away. At least we're here at all. We nearly lost each other and I'll never forget the way he protected me.

With tears of guilt welling up, I throw myself at him and hold him tight. Offering a slew of muffled apologies and I love yous and please forgive mes. And do you know? He does. He always, always does.

He accepts my embrace and holds me so securely. I've never felt safer than I do in his strong arms. My fears and doubts and frustrations and hopelessness all fade away with him nearby. I love him. God, I love him so much.

* * *

_**When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears**_

_**When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears**_

_**And I held your hand through all of these years**_

_**But you still have all of me**_

_"You won't be here forever, okay?" Izuku whispered into her hair. "You're doping so well and I'm so proud of you. We're going to get you out... the right way... once you're completely healthy and then," he paused, pulled away a bit and used two fingers to tilt her head up to look at him. "Then we'll get married."_

_He watches her sunshine eyes light up with so much hope and love. It's almost too much for him. A smile breaks across his face that he can't contain. She loves him so much and he's so grateful for that._

_"I love you, Izuku Midoriya." His beautiful darling bride tells him meaning it from the bottom of her heart._

_"I love you, too, Himiko Toga." He returns the sentiment with every shred of sincerity in his being. "I love you so much. I'm not giving up on you. Not ever."_

* * *

_**I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone**_

_**But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along**_

As we hold each other, a pair of nurses walk past us and I overhear their conversation. One of them is has only been working at this facility for maybe a week and this is her first outdoor visitation day. The other has been here since before I arrived and she makes a point to get to know and understand and empathize with all the patients here... including me. She's not my favourite nurse, but she's one of them.

"Who is she talking to?" I hear the new nurse ask softly.

"Oh," the friendly nurse begins with an edge of sadness in her hushed voice. "She does this most visitor days. Best to leave it alone. This is how she's grieved the loss of a loved one since... well, for as long as she's been here."

"So... we let her believe a lie? Pardon me, but that doesn't seem like the most effective way to help her situation."

"It's not a lie to her. Trust me, we've tried explaining in the past. Whether or not it's ethically sound might be up for debate, but... as long as we keep our distance and let this go on, in all other ways she seems to be healing superbly."

My lips form a sad smile as I embrace Izuku tighter. I feel tremendous sympathy for whoever their talking about. Probably that crazy girl who talks to herself all the time a few rooms down from mine. I can't imagine going through such a sad life. Poor girl.

I rest the side of my head atop of Izuku's shoulder, taking in his presence and the beautiful world around me that exists because of him. My head lifts slightly and I whisper to him. "I love you, Izuku."

_**When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears**_

_**When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears**_

_**And I held your hand through all of these years**_

_**You still have all of me**_

_The End_


	11. BONUS TRACK - Wherever You Will Go

**The song used in this chapter is **Wherever You Will Go by The Calling.

* * *

_**So lately, been wondering**_

_**Who will be there to take my place**_

_**When I'm gone you'll need love**_

_**To light the shadows on your face**_

I hear the nurses and can't help but shake my head at the carelessness manner in which they're talking. They are being far from professional speaking that way so close to my Himiko. She is broken, sure, but she's well on her way toward recovery.

This is just how she copes. One of them seems to understand that. It's only crazy to those who choose to see it that way. She's doing fine and I truly am so proud of her.

No, our love is not transcending planes of existence. She can't see me and it isn't my voice she's hearing. But it just doesn't matter. By some glorious grace, she has something to hold onto for now and maybe by the time she recovers completely, she'll be strong enough to face the truth.

_**If a great wave shall fall**_

_**and fall upon us all**_

_**Then between the sand and stone**_

_**could you make it on your own**_

Some days are harder than others. Most nights are harder than not. That's when her memory seems to come back most often. That's when her grasp on reality gets sharper and she understands what happened... she understands I died.

It's difficult to watch her spiral, to watch her succumb to sadness and mourn me over and over again. I have so much hope, though, because as deep as she falls into despair... it's never hate that consumes her. Her love for me is what knocks her down, but it's also what she pulls herself back up with.

It's been so long since she's had that bloodthirsty glint in her eye. She's getting better. I can see it. Better yet, others see it, too.

_**If I could, then I would**_

_**I'll go wherever you will go**_

_**Way up high or down low**_

_**I'll go wherever you will go**_

I stay close to her when she is brought in to appeal her case. She was found guilty of so many charges and has spent the past three years in a guarded psychiatric ward. In that time, her emotional and mental well-being have improved drastically.

Todoroki is here. He's kept his word and he's here on her behalf. Testifying for her, sharing what he saw, what he learned after my death. He makes dozens of strong and convincing points. He's fighting so hard for her and I'm eternally grateful to have ever had such a friend.

Throughout the entire trial, Himiko is the picture of sanity and grace. Her eyes have lost the dark circles around them. Her face is appropriate to every atmosphere the room turns. She's speaking and holding herself in such a polite and reserved manner as she shares her perspective.

_**And maybe, I'll find out**_

_**A way to make it back someday**_

_**To watch you, to guide you**_

_**through the darkest of your days**_

"People like myself, born with quirks that drive them to do heinous things... we do not deserve unconditional clemency. We absolutely must face the consequences for our actions."

Every eye in the room is on her. She's not showing a trace of uneasiness. Nothing about the way she looks suggests she's going to falter or break. My god, she is so strong.

"But with the advances made in technology and psychology and quirkology, we have made steps toward balancing and controlling these haphazard quirks. People like me are given a second chance at life and like so many others, I wish to use my borrowed time to give back. I want to live not just for myself, but for those whose lives were lost in this pursuit. I want to save more lives than I've taken. I want to live in a way that I can earn this gift of life."

_**Run away with my heart**_

_**Run away with my hope**_

_**Run away with my love**_

There's some outcry, of course. Families of the victims that I can't help but feel sympathy for. Their outrage is justified and maybe it's selfish of me, but when my sweet Himiko is acquitted and released (with conditions, obviously) my soul is aglow. I can't express the elated feeling that swells within me.

She's made it. She's on her way toward proving to the world that a villain is more than just their past, that anyone can change, that there is more than one or two ways to deal with evil in this world. I have never been so proud as I watch her burst out of that courthouse with a newfound appreciation for freedom and life.

_**I know now, just quite how**_

_**My life and love might still go on**_

_**In your heart, in your mind,**_

_**I'll stay with you for all of time**_

As the days turn into weeks and those turn to months then years it just gets better. Himiko Toga works endlessly as an activist and spokesperson for ill or violent-quirked individuals. She speaks of me often, siting me as the true hero in all the amazing things she's done. I listen to her give credit to me and claim that she would never have started down this path without my influence.

Feelings of love and warmth engulf me, but I have trouble accepting these declarations of hers. I believe the goodness was in her all along. She only needed someone to believe in her, to show her love unconditional, to prove to her that she was worth fighting for. I have no regrets. If this is how I'm remembered, that works for me.

**_If I could, then I would_**

**_I'll go wherever you will go_**

**_Way up high or down low,_**

**_I'll go wherever you will go_**

The years keep passing and eventually Himiko finds love again. He's a good man and he treats her like a queen. My heart aches with an abundance of pride and joy for her. This is what she always wanted and it's what she undeniably deserves.

Of course, it hurts some. I love her and I'll never stop loving her. But the picture of me she keeps on her at all times and the way she looks at it from time to time... I know, she still loves me... she'll never stop loving me.

I feel my hold on this world letting go. My life was not for nothing. My death was not in vain. I did something brilliant. I saved someone precious and in return she's saving others. It's all ai could have hoped for. It certainly wasn't my first choice... but I'm grateful. I'm at peace.

_**If I could turn back time,**_

_**I'll go wherever you will go**_

_**If I could make you mine,**_

_**I'll go wherever you will go**_


End file.
